The younger brother replies

Before we go any further let me just clarify a few things which my sister seems to have got upside down.

1. If brothers can be "irritating in the extreme" so can older sisters, especially when they continually take whatever it is I lay my hands on. There is nothing more annoying than having spent five minutes crawling towards a particularly attractive looking piece of tissue paper or wooden block, only to have that thing suddenly whipped away by your older sister. And I can tell you now, substituting whatever it was I'd grabbed for a toy which she thinks I'll prefer, just does not cut it sister.

2. I do shit myself, it's true. Baby's do that. But let me tell you, I would far prefer to do that, experience that nice warm sticky feeling and then get myself all nice and clean, than sit like a moron at the coffee table, banging crayons on a bad representation of Bloat. If you think I would have enjoyed watching you do that, you're mistaken.

3. You're right, it's "Aye-eeeeeeeeeeee-sshhhhh" with an AYE and not with an AIE but it's stronger than "No you don't! Stay back! Get away!" That's spelt with six Es and three Hs - "Aye-eeeeee-sshhh" - see the difference? What I said was "Aye-eeeeeeeeeeee-sshhhhh" which means, "if you value your Winnie The Pooh DVDs and you don't want me to dribble on them, scratch them, throw them around the room and then throw up on them, don't take one more step." Anyway, looks like she got the message. As for not being scared of me, put your earrings back in and then come and say that again.

4. Swinging and sliding. Thanks for the loan of the swing sister. Yes, it has to be said, I like it; I like it a lot. And when I get bigger I'm going to go sliding as well and then we'll have great fun. As for stuffing fingers in my mouth, try it some day, they taste great.

5. Daddy got another gas bottle today so order is restored in the house. As for me not having discovered TV, don't kid yourself Motts. I can see it's on but really, if you expect me to maintain interest when all you watch is Winnie The Pooh and Finding Nemo, you've got another think coming. Put on Fashion TV, MTV or a bit of Premier League Football. Jeepers, it's no wonder I stuff my fingers in my mouth and shit myself whenever you have the TV controls.

Mark

xxx